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power_of_yes

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From:

power_of_yes

John nods. "My brother would teach us that sin is a cancer. That their sin is suffering. But that to move on, that suffering should be productive. That suffering should have a purpose. That's why each part of Atonement comes with pain. We must suffer it to become better."

From:

ukan

"You desire to know the art of living? It is contained in this phrase: make use of suffering," Lark murmurs, feeling at once like the freshman he'd been when he first heard that, and the wolf king he is now who puts that advice to its most extreme meaning at home.

His eyes rest on John's and there's a flicker of wolf. "Are you suffering right now, John?"

From:

power_of_yes

"Yes," he answers honestly. "But it could be more. And that is what I strive to obtain."

He stares at the juice, tapping the side of it with his finger. "To turn that suffering into something that can be used for better. So I can come through to the other side."

From:

ukan

"With this place being so different...how do you see yourself using that suffering?" It is not a probing or leading question. He doesn't expect an answer; he hasn't really earned that kind of confession. But he puts it out there, simply his curiosity without any expectation or judgment.

From:

power_of_yes

He watches Lark a moment.

"To make myself stronger," he says. "My sin is Wrath. I need to - do better with it. I hit Jon. I threatened the other warden. I hit another warden in Zero. I had my reasons, but I know it is a weakness. I know it is a sin. So, if I should suffer, it will be to curb that impulse."

From:

ukan

An excellent idea. There's a low thrill as Lark considers that maybe, possibly, John really does understand the power in this. "It's easy to be angered here, but curbing that impulse takes practice. A lot of it."

From:

power_of_yes

"I know. But if I must deprive myself for it, then so be it."

He leans back. "Sacrifice."

From:

ukan

"Putting yourself in situations that stir anger isn't a bad way to practice," he says, thinking of all the times as a pup he'd been restrained by his packmates until he finally, finally learned to restrain himself. Before he discovered how much he loves testing himself, taking himself right up to the edge of doing something...and then forcing himself to be still instead.

From:

power_of_yes

"Well, that can be saved for next month, when I am not under Zack's watchful gaze." He spreads out his hands. "I must say, having only a few hours to myself means I am - cautious about how I spend it. I don't doubt that another outburst means he will spend the night in a chair outside my door."

From:

ukan

"Or inside it," Lark agrees. "I'm not saying have an outburst, John. I'm saying find something that enrages you and then just sit with it. Smile with it. Let yourself be engulfed in it, and do nothing except master it. Don't even let anyone else know you're angry."

From:

power_of_yes

He hesitates a moment, trying to fit that in with his own philosophy. Is it saying yes? Is it depriving? Is it giving?

It will help, certainly.

"I can try."

From:

ukan

"Say yes," a small not-quite-there smile; he's tasting this idea for himself, too. "To the temptation but don't let the sin of acting on it own you, is what I want to try."

From:

power_of_yes

Say yes.

He laughs at that, delighted by it, because somehow, when it's said like that, it makes sense. Yes. Of course. Of course.

"Yes."

There's no further clarification needed on it.

From:

ukan

"Good." He sips his soda. "What's the thing that never fails to set you off?"

From:

power_of_yes

John's internalizing a lot of what Lark is telling him, which...may or may not be a good thing. He can hold in that Wrath, that anger. And suffer for it.

And that, of course, is his punishment.

He's not looking forward to it, but he's sure that it will help him in the end. Suffering. Punishment. Deprivation. Pain. All of it wrapped together in the only coping skills that he knows.

"Refusal," he says softly.

From:

ukan

"You mean when people refuse what you offer?" He can't read whatever it is John is thinking or feeling, but not knowing only intrigues him further.

From:

power_of_yes

"Yes," he lies, not knowing or meaning it to be a lie. Because it's all a lie. Every bit of it. Built up around him like a house of cards. It's all a lie and yet - for John, it's all the truth. The lone between the two is so blurry that it's nonexistent.

He means when they refuse what he offers, but he really means when they refuse him. Because John only offers himself.

Nothing makes him angrier than when someone refuses him something that he wants. Something he feels like he deserves.

"I just want to help."

Because he was put on the earth to do one thing - to make people Atone. He is John the Baptist. John the Inquisitor.

From:

ukan

Lark studies him a moment. The answer came readily, and Lark detects nothing--no increase in heartrate, no chemical stress markers--that indicate a lie. So he takes it as truth, which cycles back around into a deeper curiosity.

"And what do you think, what's the first thing that comes to mind, when someone says no?"

From:

power_of_yes

"That they should say yes. That no is not an option. 'No' is weakness. 'No' is sin. 'No' is saying no to God."

He had said 'no' to Ezio in Zero, but, he tells himself, that had been a way of saying yes. It's different. It's better. At least...that's how he tries to justify it.

From:

ukan

Lark nods to himself, thinks about that. "But there are lines, aren't there? even for you. If someone told you to leave Joseph, if they gave you access to a world without your brothers, you would say 'no', wouldn't you?"

From:

power_of_yes

"That's temptation. I can't say yes to temptation," he tells him. And it's a fine line. But mostly, it's been Joseph who helps him with that line.

Without him, he strays.

He already has.

From:

ukan

He tips his head ever so slightly. "Is it tempting to leave the fold?"

From:

power_of_yes

"It's tempting to go back to the parties and the sex and the drugs and the drink, yes," he scoffs. "But I won't leave Joseph and I won't leave Jacob."