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[power_of_yes]

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[power_of_yes]

John stops trying to pull away. "I wanted to see someone hurt, so I was weak. I didn't do it on my terms," he finally says in a whisper.

[ukan]

"No. You didn't. Her boredom and your impatience were more important to you than what you have devoted yourself to, and that..." Is abhorrent. Is the worst thing John could possibly do. The possibilities of where that leads genuinely scare Lark.

His voice softens just the smallest touch. "John. If you give yourself away to her whims, what are you? What is left of you right now?"

[power_of_yes]

John's quiet for a moment as his hands wrap around the bars. "I - remember I told you the story of the lake? How I wanted to disappear into it? That's what I want now."

[ukan]

Lark's grip softens, becomes only a supportive touch instead of a restraint. "Was that what you were feeling when you decided to kill him?"

[power_of_yes]

"No. No, I just was wanting him to hurt. I was thinking I could do it better if I could do it myself. The decision to kill him? Was convenience."

He raises his head slightly so he can meet Lark's eyes.

[ukan]

"If it was an indulgence, you don't seem to have got much out of it." He lets John go, finally.

"I relapsed here once. I couldn't..." Couldn't take anymore, except clearly he could have. He's standing here a sober man. But he knows what it's like to want to sink and never surface. "That one night gave me the sense that I could breathe again, and then it pulled me back under. And I wonder if that's not what this is for you?"

[power_of_yes]

"I don't know," he admits, sinking back down to the ground on his knees. Back to prayer. Back to work. "I was bored. I let myself slip back into Sloth," he mutters. "And now - after what Warren said - " He shakes his head.

"I know I fucked up."

But that's something he'll only say in the sanctity of this place. Between himself and Lark. Because the reason he fucked up was because he indulged, because he wasn't strict enough with himself. Because it was sloppy. And weak.

Next time will be better.

[ukan]

He scoffs. "It wasn't just Sloth. If only it was that easy." And then, with a harder look. "Stand up. We're not done yet."

[power_of_yes]

John's aching, but he does as he's told, standing up in front of him with his hands around the bars again. Head lowered in an apology.

[ukan]

He shifts his weight a bit, a silent gesture of approval. "When is the last time you really felt you were fulfilling your calling?"

[power_of_yes]

"Home," he breathes. That's not a difficult answer.

[ukan]

"With your brothers?" Which seem to be the main change. He has people here--two, anyway--willing to listen to him. What he doesn't have is a reliable hand guiding him. Hence Carol.

[power_of_yes]

John nods. "Yes," he says softly. "With my brothers. Before them, before Joseph found me, I was here. In the place I am now."

[ukan]

He never had brothers, never had anyone steering his life. But goddamn does he know what it's like to be aimless.

"There is no apocalypse to prepare for here. The rules have changed. The stakes are different, the setting is new. Your purpose has changed," he says gently. "But that doesn't mean your choices don't still matter."

[power_of_yes]

"I'm not preparing for the apocalypse," he protests, leaning heavily on the bars. He'll kill himself before he closes his eyes, though. No matter how tired he is.

"But they still deserve to hurt. That has been my purpose."

[ukan]

"To what end?" A real question. He isn't here to argue John away from hurting people, but Lark always, always has to know 'what happens next'. "You've hurt someone. It did you no good, which means you were missing some piece that mattered to you."

[power_of_yes]

"I - " He sighs. "I liked it. Joseph told me once that my Wrath infected everyone I touched. That the cuts were too deep. But - but I enjoy it."

[ukan]

"And with Carol you have a reason to let that Wrath out," he muses. "Or am I wrong?"

[power_of_yes]

She lets me when Joseph said I couldn't.

But he can't let Carol be his paragon of faith. Joseph leads his faith. Joseph is The Father. He's the prophet. He can't let Carol take that role again.

He fucked up.

There's a moment of silence as clarity comes to John and he raises his head again, meeting Lark's face with a bit of determination. "Yes," he says. "That's right." And now he wants his book more than ever.

[ukan]

"Are you letting her lead you because you believe in whatever it is she believes?" He is very careful not to break eye contact. "Or are you just letting her lead you so you have an excuse to sin?"

[power_of_yes]

John thinks of the Lust, the Wrath, the Pride, all of it together. All of it wrong. All the ways he's been justifying it to himself.

His fingers squeeze the bars a bit tighter. "The answer's obvious." He doesn't want to say it.

[ukan]

"Then say it." He told John before: there is no backing down from this.

[power_of_yes]

John shakes his head. Refusing because it's hard to face. Because he cannot admit that to himself. That's weak. Beyond weak.

"I can fix it," he promises. "I will fix it."

[ukan]

Lark is unrelenting. He sets his hand on John's shoulder and shakes his head. "You can't fix it if you can't even face it. Say it out loud, even if it's just to me."

[power_of_yes]

The hand is heavy on his shoulder. "I fell to temptation," he finally says. "I wanted to sin and I found a way to do it. Like - God wouldn't know."

He rests his head against the bars.