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[power_of_yes]

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[power_of_yes]

John's aching, but he does as he's told, standing up in front of him with his hands around the bars again. Head lowered in an apology.

[ukan]

He shifts his weight a bit, a silent gesture of approval. "When is the last time you really felt you were fulfilling your calling?"

[power_of_yes]

"Home," he breathes. That's not a difficult answer.

[ukan]

"With your brothers?" Which seem to be the main change. He has people here--two, anyway--willing to listen to him. What he doesn't have is a reliable hand guiding him. Hence Carol.

[power_of_yes]

John nods. "Yes," he says softly. "With my brothers. Before them, before Joseph found me, I was here. In the place I am now."

[ukan]

He never had brothers, never had anyone steering his life. But goddamn does he know what it's like to be aimless.

"There is no apocalypse to prepare for here. The rules have changed. The stakes are different, the setting is new. Your purpose has changed," he says gently. "But that doesn't mean your choices don't still matter."

[power_of_yes]

"I'm not preparing for the apocalypse," he protests, leaning heavily on the bars. He'll kill himself before he closes his eyes, though. No matter how tired he is.

"But they still deserve to hurt. That has been my purpose."

[ukan]

"To what end?" A real question. He isn't here to argue John away from hurting people, but Lark always, always has to know 'what happens next'. "You've hurt someone. It did you no good, which means you were missing some piece that mattered to you."

[power_of_yes]

"I - " He sighs. "I liked it. Joseph told me once that my Wrath infected everyone I touched. That the cuts were too deep. But - but I enjoy it."

[ukan]

"And with Carol you have a reason to let that Wrath out," he muses. "Or am I wrong?"

[power_of_yes]

She lets me when Joseph said I couldn't.

But he can't let Carol be his paragon of faith. Joseph leads his faith. Joseph is The Father. He's the prophet. He can't let Carol take that role again.

He fucked up.

There's a moment of silence as clarity comes to John and he raises his head again, meeting Lark's face with a bit of determination. "Yes," he says. "That's right." And now he wants his book more than ever.

[ukan]

"Are you letting her lead you because you believe in whatever it is she believes?" He is very careful not to break eye contact. "Or are you just letting her lead you so you have an excuse to sin?"

[power_of_yes]

John thinks of the Lust, the Wrath, the Pride, all of it together. All of it wrong. All the ways he's been justifying it to himself.

His fingers squeeze the bars a bit tighter. "The answer's obvious." He doesn't want to say it.

[ukan]

"Then say it." He told John before: there is no backing down from this.

[power_of_yes]

John shakes his head. Refusing because it's hard to face. Because he cannot admit that to himself. That's weak. Beyond weak.

"I can fix it," he promises. "I will fix it."

[ukan]

Lark is unrelenting. He sets his hand on John's shoulder and shakes his head. "You can't fix it if you can't even face it. Say it out loud, even if it's just to me."

[power_of_yes]

The hand is heavy on his shoulder. "I fell to temptation," he finally says. "I wanted to sin and I found a way to do it. Like - God wouldn't know."

He rests his head against the bars.

[ukan]

Lark is quiet for a moment. "She is still here. So if you can't figure out why you fell to that temptation, it's going to happen again. It might as well be happening right now, if you don't know what caused you to give in."

[power_of_yes]

"I know why," he says firmly. "I just need to - reset." Fortunately, Zero's the place for restrictions.

[ukan]

"That's not good enough. You lied to yourself so thoroughly you ended up in here with nothing to show for it but your shame." A soft sigh. "Tell me how you're going to overcome."

[power_of_yes]

John scrambles for a moment, panic forming in his chest as he tries to think quickly. He knows what he can do in here and he plans on it. Discipline and control. Restrictions. But once he's out, and he's back on his own two feet?

He breathes for a moment, just hesitating.

"I don't know."

[ukan]

"You need a plan." It's something Lark says often, to a lot of people, but it feels crucial right now. "When do you find yourself struggling?"

[power_of_yes]

He does need a plan, but he isn't in a place to make it. He looks down the hallway to where Carol is; she's always the one making the plans for him. Other people make the plans for him. His plans are good. His plans make him happy.

But he hasn't been successful in filling his days with plans.

That's just Sloth all over again.

"Every day."

[ukan]

"It may not feel like it right now but that's a good sign. It means you aren't broken." Not by the Barge, not by the heaviness that his brothers managed to lift.

"Tell me how you picture your first day out of here. Walk me through it from the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep."

[power_of_yes]

"Here?" he wonders, sucking in a breath. "Zero? Or the Barge?"

Because he can't picture what being away from the Barge would be like. He would want it to be like at home, like it was, but that's impossible.