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[power_of_yes]

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[ukan]

"It was vile. It was beneath you." Just so John is absolutely clear about that. "I want to say it meant nothing, but that's never really true, is it. So what did it mean to you? What could be worth demeaning your faith?"

[power_of_yes]

John's quiet for a long while. He's had time to think since Warren brought him in. He's had time to pray, to sit with penance.

"I - tightened the belt too much. Too hard. Even at Eden's Gate, I could - " He takes a shuddering breath.

[ukan]

"Keep talking." What Lark wants is words, and what he wants is John to give and give and give them without time to think about them. There's time to dissect later.

[power_of_yes]

"I had people. Confessions on confessions on confessions." Enough to fill his thirst for knowledge and anger and violence and hurt.

"I had the sinners, begging to atone. Sinners, the sin and the disease and the cancer of their beliefs rotting them from the inside. And I could walk them out."

He could hurt them.

[ukan]

"But here you have to find them. You have to convince them." He slides a glance down the aisle toward Carol, then back. "So again: what part of this was worth it to you?"

[power_of_yes]

He's quiet for a long moment. So long that he's afraid he's going to feel that tightening on his neck again. "I - "

He doesn't want it. He's exhausted. He tries to sink down again, wanting to just go back to his knees.

"I got to see him hurt."

[ukan]

Lark holds firm. Then firmer still. "You betrayed yourself. You don't get to back out now. You get to stand here and tell me why you've given your power to her."

[power_of_yes]

John actually whimpers softly as he tries gently to pull away. "Lark," he mutters, actually begging for once. "I didn't."

[ukan]

His face is closer to John's and he holds him still against the bars. "Yes you did. You just told me you were weak and in your weakness you let someone take your faith and mock it. Tell me how I'm wrong."

[power_of_yes]

John stops trying to pull away. "I wanted to see someone hurt, so I was weak. I didn't do it on my terms," he finally says in a whisper.

[ukan]

"No. You didn't. Her boredom and your impatience were more important to you than what you have devoted yourself to, and that..." Is abhorrent. Is the worst thing John could possibly do. The possibilities of where that leads genuinely scare Lark.

His voice softens just the smallest touch. "John. If you give yourself away to her whims, what are you? What is left of you right now?"

[power_of_yes]

John's quiet for a moment as his hands wrap around the bars. "I - remember I told you the story of the lake? How I wanted to disappear into it? That's what I want now."

[ukan]

Lark's grip softens, becomes only a supportive touch instead of a restraint. "Was that what you were feeling when you decided to kill him?"

[power_of_yes]

"No. No, I just was wanting him to hurt. I was thinking I could do it better if I could do it myself. The decision to kill him? Was convenience."

He raises his head slightly so he can meet Lark's eyes.

[ukan]

"If it was an indulgence, you don't seem to have got much out of it." He lets John go, finally.

"I relapsed here once. I couldn't..." Couldn't take anymore, except clearly he could have. He's standing here a sober man. But he knows what it's like to want to sink and never surface. "That one night gave me the sense that I could breathe again, and then it pulled me back under. And I wonder if that's not what this is for you?"

[power_of_yes]

"I don't know," he admits, sinking back down to the ground on his knees. Back to prayer. Back to work. "I was bored. I let myself slip back into Sloth," he mutters. "And now - after what Warren said - " He shakes his head.

"I know I fucked up."

But that's something he'll only say in the sanctity of this place. Between himself and Lark. Because the reason he fucked up was because he indulged, because he wasn't strict enough with himself. Because it was sloppy. And weak.

Next time will be better.

[ukan]

He scoffs. "It wasn't just Sloth. If only it was that easy." And then, with a harder look. "Stand up. We're not done yet."

[power_of_yes]

John's aching, but he does as he's told, standing up in front of him with his hands around the bars again. Head lowered in an apology.

[ukan]

He shifts his weight a bit, a silent gesture of approval. "When is the last time you really felt you were fulfilling your calling?"

[power_of_yes]

"Home," he breathes. That's not a difficult answer.

[ukan]

"With your brothers?" Which seem to be the main change. He has people here--two, anyway--willing to listen to him. What he doesn't have is a reliable hand guiding him. Hence Carol.

[power_of_yes]

John nods. "Yes," he says softly. "With my brothers. Before them, before Joseph found me, I was here. In the place I am now."

[ukan]

He never had brothers, never had anyone steering his life. But goddamn does he know what it's like to be aimless.

"There is no apocalypse to prepare for here. The rules have changed. The stakes are different, the setting is new. Your purpose has changed," he says gently. "But that doesn't mean your choices don't still matter."

[power_of_yes]

"I'm not preparing for the apocalypse," he protests, leaning heavily on the bars. He'll kill himself before he closes his eyes, though. No matter how tired he is.

"But they still deserve to hurt. That has been my purpose."

[ukan]

"To what end?" A real question. He isn't here to argue John away from hurting people, but Lark always, always has to know 'what happens next'. "You've hurt someone. It did you no good, which means you were missing some piece that mattered to you."