Hickey doesn't entirely believe that. He's scowling as he shakes his head.
"And how long until you convince Makima to do it? Rhys? Half the group's already marked up, it's stupid to assume you won't bring up the matter with the rest of us."
He almost laughs at the idea of Makima doing anything John asks her to, but Rhys Atoning for anything is equally ridiculous. He settles for simply shaking his head at Hickey.
"It is something I will always offer, Hickey. But I am not strapping anyone down and forcefully harming them beyond what they ask me to do. I will always encourage people to say yes, but I cannot force them to do it against their will. Are you - worried?"
"Hickey," he says softly. "I swear to you that I will never ask you to do something you do not agree to. Nor will I ask any new people or Makima or Rhys to do something they do not agree to. And there is nothing else going on aside from the Atonement. Once it's done, it's done. There are no secret meetings. No cult gathering in strange robes." He laughs softly. "They simply wear their sins."
Of course there's something else going on. He's not an idiot. Even if that something is just the three of them sharing the experience, that's worrying enough. Hickey knows that when the chips are down, people look out for their own first. Not people who don't want to join in on Seed's cult nonsense.
"Some of us wear our mistakes in different ways," Hickey scoffs. He pauses for a moment before he decides to get nasty with it. It's easier that way, after all. "Besides, no matter what you say, that's not it. Doubt it's a coincidence that Carol lets herself get carved up after fucking you. Been sucking Norton's prick as well?"
Hickey's still bristling with annoyance as he gives John a scowl. At least in his mind, it's obvious where this is coming from.
It's coming out now because he's worried he'll be left behind. Because he's certain it'll end up being them vs. him. Because even now, Hickey can't understand why someone would willingly subject themselves to that pain. Because it's so much easier to be a prick than to admit a part of him is scared.
"That's the only reason she trusts you this much, you know. Because Carol only thinks with her cunt."
Wrath flashes through him, white hot and leaving his heart racing, but nothing shows on the outside. There's no indication of any anger on him at all. Just gentle acceptance, even as he watches Hickey.
"You're angry." But anger isn't a real emotion. Anger always covers another emotion. John's known this for a long time. People get angry when they get afraid, and this sort of venom must be covering up a big fear. Knowing what John knows about him, what Hickey's chosen to bring up, he can guess where it goes.
"I know you don't trust me. And I know you've been wanting to come out on top. You know it was my idea to put you in charge of our stores, don't you? Because I know this food shortage has been hard on you. I told you about my brother, Hickey. I'd have hoped that you would understand that we're all on the same side by now."
John says that he trusted Hickey because the food shortage has been hard on him. Hickey's not so sure.
"Everyone's on their own side. That's how this works. And if you only trusted me with the supplies out of pity, then I'll give you all the food right back. Just tell me when you want it."
"Why would I pity you?" he wonders, seeming hurt rather than angry. "Hickey, are we back to this already? I'm not going to continue pleading with you to believe me when I tell you what I've said. You have sacrificed so much already. I don't pity you; I admire you."
He steps away from him.
"Look, Hickey, you're allowed to be paranoid. You've never been able to trust a damn person in your life, right? Fine. But I'm not going to spend all evening with you telling me all the ways you think I might betray you and the others when I have done nothing but help," he tells him softly. Gently.
There's a moment when Hickey's face falters a bit. John says that he admires him but Hickey just doesn't know if he can believe that. He's not admired. He's just the man who does what nobody else can do.
He shakes his head but doesn't say anything else. If John wants to leave, Hickey will let him.
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timeasmymeasure
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 05:23 pm (UTC)Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 05:28 pm (UTC)"And how long until you convince Makima to do it? Rhys? Half the group's already marked up, it's stupid to assume you won't bring up the matter with the rest of us."
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 05:34 pm (UTC)"It is something I will always offer, Hickey. But I am not strapping anyone down and forcefully harming them beyond what they ask me to do. I will always encourage people to say yes, but I cannot force them to do it against their will. Are you - worried?"
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 05:42 pm (UTC)"Course not. All I'm saying is that I didn't sign up for a cult. If this continues or the three of you start something, I'm out."
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 05:45 pm (UTC)Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 05:58 pm (UTC)"Some of us wear our mistakes in different ways," Hickey scoffs. He pauses for a moment before he decides to get nasty with it. It's easier that way, after all. "Besides, no matter what you say, that's not it. Doubt it's a coincidence that Carol lets herself get carved up after fucking you. Been sucking Norton's prick as well?"
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 06:11 pm (UTC)"Hey, whoa. Where is all of this coming from?"
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 06:25 pm (UTC)It's coming out now because he's worried he'll be left behind. Because he's certain it'll end up being them vs. him. Because even now, Hickey can't understand why someone would willingly subject themselves to that pain. Because it's so much easier to be a prick than to admit a part of him is scared.
"That's the only reason she trusts you this much, you know. Because Carol only thinks with her cunt."
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 06:32 pm (UTC)"You're angry." But anger isn't a real emotion. Anger always covers another emotion. John's known this for a long time. People get angry when they get afraid, and this sort of venom must be covering up a big fear. Knowing what John knows about him, what Hickey's chosen to bring up, he can guess where it goes.
"I know you don't trust me. And I know you've been wanting to come out on top. You know it was my idea to put you in charge of our stores, don't you? Because I know this food shortage has been hard on you. I told you about my brother, Hickey. I'd have hoped that you would understand that we're all on the same side by now."
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 06:43 pm (UTC)"Everyone's on their own side. That's how this works. And if you only trusted me with the supplies out of pity, then I'll give you all the food right back. Just tell me when you want it."
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 09:09 pm (UTC)He steps away from him.
"Look, Hickey, you're allowed to be paranoid. You've never been able to trust a damn person in your life, right? Fine. But I'm not going to spend all evening with you telling me all the ways you think I might betray you and the others when I have done nothing but help," he tells him softly. Gently.
"So, I'll see you later."
Re: spam!
Date: 2021-11-25 09:30 pm (UTC)He shakes his head but doesn't say anything else. If John wants to leave, Hickey will let him.