[John is a little more lax with Warren than he is with Lark. He lets his eyes close for a moment. He takes a breath and pulls himself back, withdrawing into the static. That question is difficult. And he wants to answer. He really does, but he did tell Carol he would ignore him.
This can't go well.]
I've told you about being a lawyer, but I've never told you about the Duncans.
[John keeps his eyes closed. Normally, this story is told with gleeful abandon, taunting with just the smallest amount of details.
This is a different story. He speaks like he's reciting from a book. It's the only way he can tell it.]
CPS took us from our parents when I was five. Jacob would protect me from our father's belt, from the drinking. But one night, Joseph, the prophet, heard the Voice. He told Jacob not to protect me, to let the belt fly.
My brothers were not in school. I was. So the teachers saw the marks. [He laughs a distant, bitter laugh.] The first set of parents we were sent to as a trio had us living in the barn. Working the farm. I remember - Jacob hitting the man with an axe and setting the barn on fire. He went to juvie after that.
As for Joseph and I? We were split. I was young. Cute face. Compliant. Adoptable. Joseph was not. So I became John Duncan and Joseph stayed behind.
And the Duncans were their own sort of hell. They were not happy unless I was confessing. If I was too quiet, I was sinning. If I was alone, I was sinning. I told them everything. Every thought. Every movement. Every impulse.
[Whatever they wanted to hear.]
And it was always - always sinful. And I was punished for it.
[ Warren pauses for a moment, then carefully, slowly, kneels down against the bars. He beckons John down with him. And if he joins him, Warren will reach through the bars and gently curl his hand around the back of John's head so that their foreheads press together lightly. And then, quietly, only as far as a breath, he speaks. ]
You have to know, John. You have to know... to have purpose.
I told you God brought you here. Not to mock Him. Not to mock you. But because that is the fundamental question you have to face in this place:
If God brought you here, if God gave you this chance, you are here to be transformed. You are here. to become new. To learn new ways. To see with new eyes. Your hands must learn new work. You are here... to become a better servant than your world? or the people you knew. could manage.
If God did not bring you, then you have to decide. What you're doing. Why you're doing it. What matters. What is right. if God did not bring you here, then He has no power over you. Or your fate. And that is freedom? Terrifying. freedom. And you will need to find a purpose of your own.
[He lowers himself down with Warren, relaxing as he feels that touch on him. Just like Lark does with him.]
If I go home, they will not want me. If I have freedom and lose my faith, then I will lose my brothers. If I change myself here, it will inevitably pull me away from Eden's Gate.
[And there's the first flash of fear at the thought of losing them.]
[ The switch in question, the way he's being answered... that tells him that John's not ready to figure it out yet. He needs more time, needs to look a little more. Right now, John only has enough knowledge to hang himself, enough to be scared. But they're here. They'll help him.
For now, though, he'll switch directions, just a little. Rub lightly at the back of his head, nudge him gently with his own forehead, bring him to this moment, this place. To them. ]
We are servants, John. And we have to be whole. to offer our whole selves.
We do not question our masters. But we do choose them.
You cannot lose your brothers. You will not lose your brothers.
But whether you serve God. Or Joseph. Or something you have yet to find.
[He pulls himself back, to the conversation. Right now, he's been serving Carol. And, while that has been working, he knows that it won't last. Not with how convoluted their relationship has become.]
[He stays there for a long moment, trying to actually take that in. He's always told himself to be better. He thought he could do better.
He's not ready to admit that he had been lying to himself out loud. He's still trying to read Warren, attempting, at some level, to try and please him. So he stays quiet until he gathers his thoughts completely.]
[ Faith in John, pure and simple. Hard as iron. That is the voice of a man who locked himself in with a bomb once. And it's here, now, that he's putting it on the line again. ]
You'll figure it out. I'll be there. To keep you accountable.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 03:12 pm (UTC)This can't go well.]
I've told you about being a lawyer, but I've never told you about the Duncans.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 03:14 pm (UTC)cw: child abuse
Date: 2021-12-31 03:31 pm (UTC)This is a different story. He speaks like he's reciting from a book. It's the only way he can tell it.]
CPS took us from our parents when I was five. Jacob would protect me from our father's belt, from the drinking. But one night, Joseph, the prophet, heard the Voice. He told Jacob not to protect me, to let the belt fly.
My brothers were not in school. I was. So the teachers saw the marks. [He laughs a distant, bitter laugh.] The first set of parents we were sent to as a trio had us living in the barn. Working the farm. I remember - Jacob hitting the man with an axe and setting the barn on fire. He went to juvie after that.
As for Joseph and I? We were split. I was young. Cute face. Compliant. Adoptable. Joseph was not. So I became John Duncan and Joseph stayed behind.
And the Duncans were their own sort of hell. They were not happy unless I was confessing. If I was too quiet, I was sinning. If I was alone, I was sinning. I told them everything. Every thought. Every movement. Every impulse.
[Whatever they wanted to hear.]
And it was always - always sinful. And I was punished for it.
Re: cw: child abuse
Date: 2021-12-31 03:36 pm (UTC)The context helps. But he wants to know more. So he gestures for John to continue. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 03:46 pm (UTC)Eventually, I knew exactly what to tell them, what they wanted to hear, to avoid it all.
But I deserved it. I sinned then. Just like I sinned now.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 03:50 pm (UTC)[ He's not saying you didn't. He's asking why. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 03:58 pm (UTC)[Spoken flatly.]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:00 pm (UTC)What is the purpose. of punishing you?
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:01 pm (UTC)Ostensibly? To not do it again.
But we're lawyers. We know that's not how punishment really works.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:03 pm (UTC)[ But that's hardly the point. ]
So.
If you were always sinning. And they kept punishing you. And you deserved it.
What was the purpose?
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:08 pm (UTC)I'm certain they thought they were doing the right thing.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:10 pm (UTC)[ He won't linger on that. ]
That doesn't address the purpose, though.
[ And without a purpose, it's empty. They've established that. ]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:18 pm (UTC)I've told you. To stop me from doing it again. To hurt.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:27 pm (UTC)And if they wanted you to stop doing something. And you kept doing it. Then what they were doing. Wasn't to stop you doing it.
To hurt you. Certainly.
But it sounds like... just the same cycle.
Pain... instead of purpose.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:29 pm (UTC)[He doesn't know how to dig any deeper than this.]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 04:46 pm (UTC)You have to know, John. You have to know... to have purpose.
I told you God brought you here. Not to mock Him. Not to mock you. But because that is the fundamental question you have to face in this place:
If God brought you here, if God gave you this chance, you are here to be transformed. You are here. to become new. To learn new ways. To see with new eyes. Your hands must learn new work. You are here... to become a better servant than your world? or the people you knew. could manage.
If God did not bring you, then you have to decide. What you're doing. Why you're doing it. What matters. What is right. if God did not bring you here, then He has no power over you. Or your fate. And that is freedom? Terrifying. freedom. And you will need to find a purpose of your own.
But you have to know, John. You have to decide.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 05:01 pm (UTC)If I go home, they will not want me. If I have freedom and lose my faith, then I will lose my brothers. If I change myself here, it will inevitably pull me away from Eden's Gate.
[And there's the first flash of fear at the thought of losing them.]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 05:47 pm (UTC)It's the same question, John. It all comes back. to that.
If God sent you here, then Joseph will be made to understand. The Voice will tell him of your crucible. He'll be glad of the changes.
If God didn't send you here... then it will be your job. Your purpose. To draw them out of the darkness. To show them the truth. To save them.
You only lose them. They only lose you. If you don't choose.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 06:03 pm (UTC)No. You don't know him. You don't know Joseph. I will not lose my brothers. I cannot lose them again.
[He will do whatever it takes to keep them, even if that means continuing to destroy himself.]
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 06:18 pm (UTC)For now, though, he'll switch directions, just a little. Rub lightly at the back of his head, nudge him gently with his own forehead, bring him to this moment, this place. To them. ]
We are servants, John. And we have to be whole. to offer our whole selves.
We do not question our masters. But we do choose them.
You cannot lose your brothers. You will not lose your brothers.
But whether you serve God. Or Joseph. Or something you have yet to find.
That is what you're here for.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 06:30 pm (UTC)And if I fail?
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 07:21 pm (UTC)[ Warren demands excellence. But he doesn't expect perfection. Because perfection is the enemy of progress. ]
And every failure will teach you more. Teach you to be better. Help you face every challenge afterwards.
Perfection is limited. Meaningless.
Better is always possible.
Better is a purpose.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 07:32 pm (UTC)He's not ready to admit that he had been lying to himself out loud. He's still trying to read Warren, attempting, at some level, to try and please him. So he stays quiet until he gathers his thoughts completely.]
I'll try. [He quickly amends:] I - will. Whatever better means.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 07:35 pm (UTC)[ Faith in John, pure and simple. Hard as iron. That is the voice of a man who locked himself in with a bomb once. And it's here, now, that he's putting it on the line again. ]
You'll figure it out. I'll be there. To keep you accountable.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-31 07:55 pm (UTC)A little smarmy:]
Well, I don't need a babysitter.
(no subject)
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