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power_of_yes

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From:

ukan

A mild shrug; John might be right. "I suppose it depends on how you define self-expression. But what values do you see?"

From:

power_of_yes

"As a whole?" He shakes his head. "Nothing I want to be a part of. That's why I cannot get behind this rehabilitation. The way the Admiral does things. These people? I don't want any of these people to tell me how to be better."

From:

ukan

"What have they said needs to be better about you? The obvious," a dry motion to indicate all the mess of the past month, "And the unspoken?"

From:

power_of_yes

"My faith, Lark," he says firmly. "The Collapse. What we have worked on. My family."

He shakes his head. "None of that i am willing to compromise on."

From:

ukan

"What is it they find so objectionable? The scars?"

From:

power_of_yes

He shrugs. "I don't know. Perhaps it is that they do not listen. They hear cult. They hear evangelist. They hear God. They shut down, their opinions already formed."

From:

ukan

"It is strange, isn't it? How many refuse to hear a word about God when we're all here at the mercy of some greater power." He won't call the Admiral a god. He has no idea what it is, but God should have a plan, shouldn't He? And God has never abducted a handful of souls to go on an extended joy ride.

"It's always amazed me how closed-minded people here are, despite all their gifts."

From:

power_of_yes

"They are people, Lark. People tend to default to no. That's easier than yes." He takes a breath. "They want to take and take and take but they do not give, especially when giving means listening. When giving means giving attention to something other than what's inside of their own minds."

From:

ukan

"They're uncomfortable with the sacrifice of it, I think you're right about that. Peace is such a passive philosophy for most people...they don't realize that to have peace, you have to suffer. You have to fight, and you have to go on fighting. It's paradoxical and it's difficult and it's easier to be comfortable than to push on toward happiness."

From:

power_of_yes

John nods. "My brother would teach us that sin is a cancer. That their sin is suffering. But that to move on, that suffering should be productive. That suffering should have a purpose. That's why each part of Atonement comes with pain. We must suffer it to become better."

From:

ukan

"You desire to know the art of living? It is contained in this phrase: make use of suffering," Lark murmurs, feeling at once like the freshman he'd been when he first heard that, and the wolf king he is now who puts that advice to its most extreme meaning at home.

His eyes rest on John's and there's a flicker of wolf. "Are you suffering right now, John?"

From:

power_of_yes

"Yes," he answers honestly. "But it could be more. And that is what I strive to obtain."

He stares at the juice, tapping the side of it with his finger. "To turn that suffering into something that can be used for better. So I can come through to the other side."

From:

ukan

"With this place being so different...how do you see yourself using that suffering?" It is not a probing or leading question. He doesn't expect an answer; he hasn't really earned that kind of confession. But he puts it out there, simply his curiosity without any expectation or judgment.

From:

power_of_yes

He watches Lark a moment.

"To make myself stronger," he says. "My sin is Wrath. I need to - do better with it. I hit Jon. I threatened the other warden. I hit another warden in Zero. I had my reasons, but I know it is a weakness. I know it is a sin. So, if I should suffer, it will be to curb that impulse."

From:

ukan

An excellent idea. There's a low thrill as Lark considers that maybe, possibly, John really does understand the power in this. "It's easy to be angered here, but curbing that impulse takes practice. A lot of it."

From:

power_of_yes

"I know. But if I must deprive myself for it, then so be it."

He leans back. "Sacrifice."

From:

ukan

"Putting yourself in situations that stir anger isn't a bad way to practice," he says, thinking of all the times as a pup he'd been restrained by his packmates until he finally, finally learned to restrain himself. Before he discovered how much he loves testing himself, taking himself right up to the edge of doing something...and then forcing himself to be still instead.

From:

power_of_yes

"Well, that can be saved for next month, when I am not under Zack's watchful gaze." He spreads out his hands. "I must say, having only a few hours to myself means I am - cautious about how I spend it. I don't doubt that another outburst means he will spend the night in a chair outside my door."

From:

ukan

"Or inside it," Lark agrees. "I'm not saying have an outburst, John. I'm saying find something that enrages you and then just sit with it. Smile with it. Let yourself be engulfed in it, and do nothing except master it. Don't even let anyone else know you're angry."

From:

power_of_yes

He hesitates a moment, trying to fit that in with his own philosophy. Is it saying yes? Is it depriving? Is it giving?

It will help, certainly.

"I can try."

From:

ukan

"Say yes," a small not-quite-there smile; he's tasting this idea for himself, too. "To the temptation but don't let the sin of acting on it own you, is what I want to try."

From:

power_of_yes

Say yes.

He laughs at that, delighted by it, because somehow, when it's said like that, it makes sense. Yes. Of course. Of course.

"Yes."

There's no further clarification needed on it.

From:

ukan

"Good." He sips his soda. "What's the thing that never fails to set you off?"

From:

power_of_yes

John's internalizing a lot of what Lark is telling him, which...may or may not be a good thing. He can hold in that Wrath, that anger. And suffer for it.

And that, of course, is his punishment.

He's not looking forward to it, but he's sure that it will help him in the end. Suffering. Punishment. Deprivation. Pain. All of it wrapped together in the only coping skills that he knows.

"Refusal," he says softly.