That's why I went to Iris. I should have gone before, but I was - arrogant. I thought, after we talked, I could control it. That's why I went for Trixie. She's stronger. She wasn't going to back down.
I want to see you do better than this. Because you do. You have come so far, and I think it terrifies you to feel like you're unfamiliar to yourself. Am I right?
If there's a Hell, there is someone deciding who goes there. And that person, that God, must also be the reason you get to make choices. If they already knew where to send you, nothing you did would matter. There would be no life to live because it wouldn't matter.
You are proving that what you do matters, because you aren't locked into a set of behaviors, you aren't incapable of choosing to do something new.
So it stands to reason that your choices still matter, and you are being judged on more than your worst moments.
You know that in law there are mitigating factors...I would say you've had plenty in your life, influencing what you used to do. Any judge who makes decisions based on how you choose your actions would know that, too.
[It makes a logical sort of sense to him because he does know. It doesn't completely ease the anxiety in him, the one that worries there is no God but there certainly is a Hell, but it does take the sharp edges away.]
Those things happened to me because of what I've done in my life, Lark. I was a sinner, I've always been a sinner. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
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I'm trying not to.
I did, but I don't want it anymore.
That's why I went to Iris. I should have gone before, but I was - arrogant. I thought, after we talked, I could control it. That's why I went for Trixie. She's stronger. She wasn't going to back down.
And then she did.
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[There's no anger in his tone. He's weary, but John is being honest, and that honest has warmed the chill out of his voice.]
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There was a moment when I could tell that she was done. Right before she hit me.
And I should have left it at that. But she let her anger get the best of her, just like I do, and I - I couldn't stop myself.
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You didn't because you wanted to kill her, John. You told me that. You don't get to walk back your motives, not with me, not anymore.
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[Said with a little surprise on his end, considering his current punishment.]
Lark...I don't want to disappoint you.
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Exactly.
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I'm afraid of Hell. I'm afraid that if I change, everything I've done before was wrong and I'll end up in Hell no matter what I do.
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If there's a Hell, there is someone deciding who goes there. And that person, that God, must also be the reason you get to make choices. If they already knew where to send you, nothing you did would matter. There would be no life to live because it wouldn't matter.
You are proving that what you do matters, because you aren't locked into a set of behaviors, you aren't incapable of choosing to do something new.
So it stands to reason that your choices still matter, and you are being judged on more than your worst moments.
You know that in law there are mitigating factors...I would say you've had plenty in your life, influencing what you used to do. Any judge who makes decisions based on how you choose your actions would know that, too.
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Those things happened to me because of what I've done in my life, Lark. I was a sinner, I've always been a sinner. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
They are mitigating factors; they're punishments.
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I know.
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[He can take it as an order. That's easy to do.]